


The Best Holiday Ever

by CWnerd12



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Andy | Andromache of Scythia Needs a Hug, Angst, Fluff, Fucking, Humor, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe/Nicky - Freeform, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Romance, Smut, Valentine's Day, Yoosoof, nile & andy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:09:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29625435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CWnerd12/pseuds/CWnerd12
Summary: “Two hundred years! I managed to hide the existence of Valentine’s Day from those freaks for two hundred years! Who the hell taught Joe about Valentine’s Day?!”
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 26
Kudos: 204





	The Best Holiday Ever

Halfway through an impossibly long stakeout in Phnom Penh, out of complete boredom, Nile said to Joe, “So…. Do you and Nicky ever do anything for Valentine’s Day?”

Joe, “Uhh…. I dunno, you mean Saint Valentine? Nicky used to follow those feast and fast days, but I was never into all that Catholic stuff.”

“No, I mean like _Valentine’s Day_ ,” said Nile, “You know, the holiday.”

“Oh,” replied Joe, “Holidays change so much. It’s hard to keep track of them all.”

“Hm,” said Nile, “I thought you never missed a chance to be romantic.”

Joe narrowed his eyebrows, “Romantic like how?”

Nile sighed, “It’s just a big scam to sell cards and chocolate. But it’s supposed to be the day where couples celebrate being in love or some shit.”

Joe tried very hard to play it cool, but Nile could hear the unmistakable delight in his voice, “So if I wanted to celebrate this with Nicky, how would I do so?”

“You’re the incurable romantic, not me,” said Nile, “But I guess dinner would be a good place to start. Good food with champagne and candles.”

Joe spoke in a strange, far-off voice, “You know… when we first met…. Nicky- Nicky used to call me ‘Yoosoof.’ It was the most adorable thing ever.”

Nile glanced over at him, and she swore she could see actual hearts in his eyes.

Joe went on, “He stopped calling me that after a while. He said it made him sound like a stereotypical uncultured, illiterate European.” Joe sighed wistfully, “Sometimes he still calls me that, but I haven’t heard it in a while.”

“And how long is a while?” asked Nile.

“I dunno,” answered Joe, “Not in this century.”

Nile looked hard out the front window, “Hey, is that our mark?”

Joe grabbed his camera and looked through the zoom, “Yeah, that’s him.” He began to snap pictures. Nile quickly forgot about the conversation. For now, they had an arms smuggler to bring down.

Nile and Joe made a great team. The mission was a resounding success. They killed their guy, completely disrupted his network, destroyed his goods, and took control of his wealth. The mention of Valentine’s Day was just another conversation to get lost in the filing box of Nile’s memory. Nile and Andy went to visit Copeley to see to it that the right amount of money got squared away, and the rest re-distributed.

When they arrived back at the safehouse, they expected Joe to be making dinner. And he was making dinner. In a house absolutely filled with rose petals, paper hearts, and white candles. Andy stood in the doorway, staring in shock.

“Joe,” said Nile, nervously, “What’s all this?”

“Valentine’s Day!” Joe answered, full of enthusiasm. He left the pot he was stirring and grabbed something off of the counter.

“Where’s Nicky?” Nile asked, still very careful about every word she said.

“I sent Nicolo out!” answered Joe, “You need to leave before he returns!” He shoved an envelope into Nile’s hand, and then rushed back over to the stove. Nile looked down at the envelope.

Joe went on, “I got you two a spa and dinner package at a fancy hotel. Tonight is for my love and I to be together.”

Printed on the white paper were the words VALENTINE’S DAY SUITE.

“Uh, Joe,” said Nile, “This is for a couple’s suite.”

“Yes, you and Andy,” replied Joe.

“No,” said Nile, “I think they mean like a romantic couple’s suite. This is for couples who are in love. Are you sure you and Nicky don’t want to take the hotel room?”

Joe looked at her like she’d just said something vulgar, “And leave my Nicolo’s Valentine’s Day experience in the hands of strangers?! Never! I’m making him dinner!” He looked up at a clock, and then herded Nile and Andy towards the door, “You need to be leaving! Nicky will be coming back soon!”

Not knowing what else to do, Nile opened the front door. She looked over at Andy, “Uh, do you want to do this?”

Andy sighed a deep sigh of resignation, “Fine. Let’s just go.” She headed out the door. She and Nile both climbed into their car without saying anything. Through the open kitchen window, Nile heard the opening strains of an Arabic love song.

“Two hundred years,” muttered Andy.

“What?” said Nile, starting the car.

Andy leaned her head back in lament, “Two hundred years! I managed to hide the existence of Valentine’s Day from those freaks for two hundred years! Who the hell taught Joe about Valentine’s Day?!”

Quickly trying to change the subject, Nile asked, “How did you keep it hidden for two hundred years?”

Andy, “I always made sure they were in Asia on February 14th!”

“Ah,” said Nile, “Well, with an increasingly globalized society, surely it would be hard to-”

“You told him!” snarled Andy.

“I though he already knew!” stammered Nile, “I mean, Joe never misses a chance to be romantic, how could he not notice Valentine’s Day?!”

“I’M VERY GOOD AT WHAT I DO!”

Joe’s figure appeared in the window of the house. Frantically, he gestured for them to leave.

Nile backed the car out and started driving, “You know it was going to be sooner or later before he found out!”

“I’m going to die before you,” said Andy, “And you are going to have to deal with the consequences of this on your own! You are never going to have a peaceful February again, and you’re a fucking immortal!”

Joe listened to the sizzle of butter in the pan below him. “Just a few more moments, the sear will be _perfect_ ,” he thought. He waited until just the right moment, and then flipped the swordfish steak with ease and grace. Beside him, aged balsamic vinegar reduced in a saucepan, flavored with rosemary, garlic, and sea salt. On another burner, asparagus steamed, later to be laden with lemon butter. A perfectly crusty and chewy loaf of bread warmed in the oven. “And I haven’t even started the chocolate soufflé yet!”

He’d sent Nicky out to get some good chocolate with vague notions of making a cake to celebrate a successful mission. He knew Nicolo’s discerning tastes would only get the finest.

Joe heard the door opening behind him, and then turned around to see Nicky’s green eyes wide with surprise.

“I got your chocolate,” said Nicky, “What is this?”

“It’s the most incredible holiday I’ve ever heard of!” answered Joe, “Do you know, _ya amar_ , what they’ve done with the Feast of St. Valentine?!”

Nile and Andy sat on each side of a heart-shaped jacuzzi, surrounded by more rose petals and candles, both of them holding glasses of champagne.

“You know,” said Andy, taking a sip, “This isn’t half bad.”

“I’m sorry!” blurted out Nile, “We were on a stakeout! I was bored and just trying to make conversation!”

Andy sighed, “It’s fine. You’re right, he would have found out anyway, it’s just, damn. They don’t need the encouragement.”

“What about Booker?” asked Nile, “Did he ever say anything?”

“Sebastien Le Livre,” replied Andy, “Hasn’t been sober in the month of February since 1812. It’s easy to ignore him when he’s incoherent.”

Nicky moaned with profound ecstasy as he stuffed another piece of swordfish into his mouth, “ _Tesoro_ ,” he half-panted, “This is the finest meal I’ve ever tasted.”

Joe’s heart fluttered, “Only for you, my love.”

“ _Santo Valentino_ ,” began Nicky, “Is the patron saint of epileptics. Is it World Epilepsy Day?”

“No,” said Joe, “It’s a day where couples celebrate their love. Nile told me about it.”

“Brilliant,” said Nicky, “The modern world is filled with such wonders.”

There was only one bed. And it was covered in rose petals. It was Nile’s job to remove them while Andy looked at the room service dessert menu.

“Hm,” said Andy, full of disapproval, “No baklava.”

“Just get some chocolates or something,” said Nile, “Do they have cheesecake? Cheesecake sounds good.”

Later, they sat on the bed, eating chocolates and cheesecake, watching _Drag Race_.

“I can’t believe Ru gave her the shantay,” said Andy, “Her runway look was such a disaster.”

“She has the most room for improvement,” replied Nile, “and she did kill the lip-sync.”

Andy rolled her eyes.

Nile picked up a caramel from the box of chocolates, “You were right, this is pretty nice. You could just do this while Joe and Nicky enjoy themselves.”

“It’s the principle of the thing,” said Andy.

“Which is?” asked Nile.

“Everywhere you go, cupids and pink and red hearts,” said Andy, “Couple deals and romantic gifts. It’s so alienating when you’re single.”

Nile, “You’ve been single for six thousand years. You’re the one who told me not to get too attached to anyone who’s mortal.”

“It’s the principle of it,” repeated Andy.

“I can give you chocolates,” said Nile, “I can make you a nice meal. I might not make heart eyes at you all night like Joe would-”

“It’s about Quynh, okay?” Andy interrupted “And don’t ask any questions.”

“Oh,” said Nile, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” replied Andy, “I just…. I don’t resent Joe and Nicky the way Booker does, but sometimes it gets hard. I’d like to give her gifts and enjoy a nice meal with her, is all. It can be very overwhelming.”

“Yeah, I get that,” said Nile.

They sat in silence for a long minute, watching the opening of _Untucked_.

“You know, when I became immortal, you said that you all had dreams about me,” said Nile.

“Yeah,” muttered Andy.

“I think she’s had visions of me, too,” said Nile, “I think…. I think she knows you’re still looking for her. At least…. At least I kind of get that impression, when I have dreams about her. She has…. Hope.”

Andy’s lip trembled, and she wiped a tear from her eye. “Three thousand years!” she choked, “For three thousand years, I was afraid of telling her I loved her! I thought she was too good for me, even though I knew… I knew she loved me, that she wanted me to love her!” Andy leaned over onto Nile’s shoulder and sobbed, “I thought Nicky and Joe were idiots for not realizing they were in love. It took them only a fucking century while I’d been holding it back for millennia! When they… when they finally came together, I…. I knew I had to tell Quynh, and we had four hundred years together… four hundred blissful, beautiful years…. She’s been underwater for five hundred years.”

“Iron rusts,” said Nile, “It decays, especially under cold salt water with ocean currents and shit. Really, she has hope.”

“Don’t talk about that now,” said Andy, “Hope gets so fucking exhausting.”

Slowly, Joe let his mouth explore Nicky’s body: A soft line of kisses travelled from behind his ear down the crook of his neck, meandering down the length of his collarbone before stopping for a small bite on his nipple. Joe felt an immense thrill at the quick inhalation of breath, “Yusuf.” Joe grasped Nicky’s cock and rubbed it as his mouth moved down the taut expanse of his belly.

“Yusuf!” gasped Nicky, “Yusuf! _Yusuf_!”

Joe licked the shaft and teasingly sucked at the tip while Nicky squirmed beneath him. Joe raised his head and gazed adoringly at his beloved.

“I really have to thank Nile later,” he thought, “This is the best holiday ever.”

He reached for the bottle of warm lube and squirted some out on his fingers. Gently, he stuck his fingers into Nicky’s ass, massaging just the right spot with a technique he’d spent nine hundred years perfecting. Nicky let out a moan that would usually make Nile bang on the wall and tell them to keep it down. Joe spread some more lube on his dick, which was throbbing with anticipation.

He moved into position behind Nicky, and kissed him behind his ear again, “Are you ready, my love?”

“Yes!” begged Nicky, “Yes, please!” Joe lifted Nicky’s thigh over his hip, and then began to fuck him.

Andy’s snoring kept Nile awake. She’d chugged enough champagne that she was good and asleep and Nile didn’t want to bother her. She wondered where Booker was. She guessed that he, too, was passed out drunk somewhere, probably alone. She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pity for him. He shouldn’t be alone. She thought about her mortal family, back in Chicago. They must really be missing her tonight. Her Mom always loved Valentine’s Day. Nile suddenly appreciated how Andy must feel. Gingerly, she put an arm around Andy’s shoulder, and was surprised when Andy shifted over and threw an arm over her. Was she mistaking Nile for Quynh? No. Nile knew she must feel too different, smell different. Quynh definitely didn’t have cornrows. She felt Andy cuddle up to her, and had to cuddle back. They had each other. Even if they felt alone, they weren’t alone. Maybe that’s something Booker never grasped. Nile drifted to sleep, grateful that she had Andy next to her.

Joe and Nicky dozed in each other’s arms, lost in a drowsy haze of post-coital bliss. Joe stroked Nicky’s hair and kissed the top of his head.

“I think I nailed my first Valentine’s day,” he thought. He felt Nicky stirring in his arms.

“ _Hayati_?” said Joe.

Softly, so quietly, he heard something Nicky only said when they were alone together, when he felt completely safe, utterly contented, and deeply, deeply in love, “ _Yoosoof_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Explore the Yoosoof-verse:
> 
> Pilgrims on the Road to Bone Town: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26612062
> 
> You Get Used To It: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26523838
> 
> If you like this, please check out my big, long-term project:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/22199524/chapters/53000743


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